4_Optometry Johannesburg, 5_Army days, 6_Canoe & Kayak Rivers, 8_Nostalgia

Tshwane Hooligans

Tshwane – Famous for the protection of its inebriates.

  • Home of the self-guided car
Brauer crashes Audi
Brauer crashes Audi

Few people know that Pretoria Boys High, Audi and Elon Musk were secretly piloting a new self-driving car in Tshwane when their test pilot, one PH Brauer, Esq, pulled out of the program for reasons unknown, although rumour has it his wife gave him a thick ear one evening after golf. Details are sketchy, as is the test pilot, a Pretoria Boys High old boy. A PHB from PBH you could say. Some of the project’s left-over funds were spent re-building a school wall.

So that didn’t really work out.

  • Home of the amphibious canoe

OK, that didn’t work so well either, but at least there was no ongeluk thanks to the presence of two more responsible parties and the same long-suffering wife who took over the wheel of a high-powered vehicle at a crucial point when the inebriated one on the white Ford Cortina roofrack, one PH Brauer, Esq, thought paddling the Dusi was as easy as running Comrades.

  • Home of the original toilet bowl airbag
Brauer toilet airbag
toilet airbag

This field project took place outside Tshwane city limits in rural Yeoville on the second floor of a two-storey buidling. It also didn’t really work so well as the protective airbag failed to deploy until after the teeth of the main character in the act, one PH Brauer, Esq, had already chipped the porcelain. Work is continuing on developing a more robust alcohol fume sensor that triggers the bag. It seems the original sensor was simply overwhelmed by the overload and went phhht.t.t. and instead of inflating the bag it caused deflation in more areas than one. Some left-over shards of porcelain from the shattered toilet were used as a temporary stop-gap in the teeth gaps. Thutty years later they were still there and he was still saying he’d go for the permanent crowns ‘soon.’

  • Home of Gullible Stromberg Suckers

Although handicapped by the absence of any alcohol consumption, this project went surprisingly well, when the sucker in question, one PH Brauer, Esq, paid a premium price for a piece of inert plastic to attach to his car’s sparkplug cable. Or fuel pipe. Or windscreen wiper cable. It doesn’t matter where you clamp it. The resulting imaginary marginal improvement in performance from sat to so-so was enough to impress another Tshwane deskundige into believing the scam. Both were so taken in they gave the old pale blue Cortina its first service and wax.

Interesting place, Tshwane, ancestral home of the australopithecine Tshwanepoels, where we have land claims we haven’t exercised. Yet.

——-ooo000ooo——-

ongeluk – smash; prang; crash; motor vehicle accident

satfarktap; sluggish++; unimpressive

farktap – not well

deskundige – ‘like Des’; spurt; eggspurt; would-be expert; given to calling things ‘kak’

kak – not good; sub-standard

3 thoughts on “Tshwane Hooligans”

  1. It appears that the author, one P.F.Tshwanepoel Esq. has a fading memory (oldsheimers). The self-guided car project was taken on after intense consultation with some deskundiges over numerous lemonades at the golf course. It was decided that Brauer Esq. was the closest to show-room condition to test the said Audi in treacherous conditions on a wet winding course. Thanks to his advanced driving skills he averted serious damage to the school’s main buildings and only gently nudged the school fence (As a result had the honour bestowed on him by said school of Honourary Life President of the school Fencing Club).

    As far as the amphibious vehicle is concerned, by-standers assure me that he risked life and limb to ensure the safe passage of two other inebriated passengers. The fact that both of them thought the wife was navigating her way home is testament to his paddling skills – he really should enter the Doosie Canyou Marathon, you know!

    Ah, the toilet seat airbag. Being in charge of quality control and pilot project management, Brauer Esq tested the airbag, supposedly deployed by alcohol fumes, on the night when he unwittingly partook of a meal where there was clearly something “off” in the food – this at a dingy joint where alcohol was served to the rest of the test team, leaving him to drive the bus home solo.

    The Stromberg – well my unrecognized advanced knowledge of the science behind the Stromberg, will never be acknowledged by my peers. Fortunately the salesman at the Pretoria Show will back me up as an expert witness should this case go to court

    Liked by 1 person

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