Tag: farm

  • Ladies of Stone

    Ladies of Stone

    (a repost from my ‘wayback machine!’ – updated)

    Way back in high school we spent a night in an old sparsely furnished Drakensberg farmhouse with no ceilings and a tin roof.

    We – I think Leon Crawley, Tuffy Joubert & Piet Steyl were there – maybe we accompanied Klein Kerneels Retief? It was his Dad Kerneels’ winter grazing farm below Oliviershoek Pass and we schoolboys stayed overnight.

    Adventure! The skies were overcast and soon there were deep rumblings and flashes of lightning. A heavy rain started falling followed by hailstones. The Drakensberg storm built up until it was a roar and we couldn’t hear each other at all – not even shouting into your ear from an inch away was audible above the intimidating tinroof fandango. We jumped a foot high when a massive crack of thunder clapped half a millimetre above the roof apex. The loudest heavenly bang I’d ever heard in my larf!

    The next day we explored the soaked veld and ouhout thickets above the house in glorious sunshine, and came across a well-endowed woman lying naked on a huge stone in the woods! Stunning! She sported huge shapely boobs and was a wonder for the eyes of lustful teenagers. She was gorgeous! OK, she was made of stone, but hey, what else did we have? Come to think of it, Klein Kerneels couldn’t have been with us, as the Lady of Stone was a big surprise “discovery” to us, and he’d have known about her.

    I have often thought of our stay on that farm, which I later learnt was named Sungubala, and of the voluptuous stone lady over the years. I started thinking I may have imagined her, but then I read of the stone carvings of the Drakensberg and determined to go and find her.

    On the Detective Trail – I took the kids Jessica, Tommy and friend Sindi, and we stayed at The Cavern, lovely old-style ‘Berg hotel. They loved it. Luxury! Dad’s not camping!?

    The Cavern-001
    Beautiful things in the hotel grounds – also flowers

    Asking around, one of their guides said he knew where my statue was and he’d take me there. I packed a rucksack, he packed lunch and off we went for the day, leaving the kids behind. They could not WAIT for me to GO, DAD! as they had discovered an amazing secret: If you gave any hotel employee your room number he or she would give you anything you wanted under the sun. They had discovered the key to endless riches and had no further need for a Dad.

    When my guide and I got to the little valley in the foothills where he said the statue was , it didn’t look right. It didn’t feel like the place I remembered from – uh, 40yrs ago. But there she was: A maiden with luscious boobs carved in stone.

    Cavern upright Statue (small)
    But this lady was standing up, not lying down on a rock in a seductive pose. There is another statue, I told him. This is not the statue I saw. Its beautiful, and thank you, but she is not the lady of my vivid and fond mammaries and my dreams. Ah! He knew where the other one was. He had seen it once. But it was on private property and he couldn’t take me there. Back at the hotel I asked around, and they showed me a picture, framed and hanging on a wall.

    And there she was, exactly as I remembered her. I had not been hallucinating. Here was proof of my excellent memory, my sanity and my dodgy taste.

    Cavern reclining Statue (small)
    Well, almost exactly. Um, I must confess I did NOT notice that she had wings back then, nor that she had clothing. I was remembering naked with bunnytail more than dressed with wings. Hey, Teenage Testosterone! Vrystaat! 1970! No internet! Very few Playboy magazines! Cut me some slack here! It was a lekker memory, and – like many of our memories – the years had enhanced it; airbrushed it.

    Here’s a more recent pic from toplodge.co.za – (btw, their cottages look terrific).

    ~o0o~

    The Story of the Stone Ladies – a tale was told of a reclusive sculptor who fell in love with a trader’s daughter and sculpted these rocks in homage to her. She was a Coventry. We had the lovely Coventry twins Glenda & Glynis in Harrismith who came from a Drakensberg trading family. And I think I see a resemblance . . .

    ~o0o~

    Later I found this in a book by Rowan Philp, Rediscovering South Africa: A Wayward Guide.
    “There are two boulders hidden deep in a Drakensberg forest which tell a near-Shakespearean tale of obsession, genius, and revenge. Completely unsign-posted, they feature magnificent, life-size sculptures of the same nude, full-breasted woman, painstakingly carved by her lover fifty years ago. The story begins when Willie Chalmers, a wandering artist with a wildly unkempt beard, came to the area from the Kalahari in the 1930’s to learn more about Bushman paintings from a farmer’s daughter, Doreen Coventry. He fell in love with her and spent fourteen months carving her likeness into a flat sandstone rock on her farm, adding a halo and the face of a child alongside. He called it Spirit of the Woods.

    But some of his younger in-laws saw him as a con man and a parasite at the family homestead, and at the height of the row, Coventry’s nephew hiked up to the sculpture in a rage and smashed off the nose. So, some say, Chalmers began a second Spirit of the Woods, this time in a secret location almost completely enclosed by other boulders, sometimes working for weeks without a break.”

    ~o0o~

    ouhout – Leucosidea sericea; mountain shrub and tree

    lekker memory – lovely memory from school days

    ~o0o~

    Here’s a wonderful description of this special place from my good schooldays friend Luisa Blignaut, now ‘down under,’ who knew the farm well, and clearly loved it:

    Sungubala used to belong to Kerneels Retief. He granted my father, Koos Blignaut, the right to use the farm in the 1970’s. I spent many a weekend and week or two on the farm in a house with no ceiling, no electricity and no toilet. We used a long-drop in a zinc structure outside the house. At night I always had to accompany my mother to the long drop. It was funny because she was armed with insect repellant spray. I sprayed the roof and walls of the outhouse with insect repellant spray before she entered it. Dead goggas, galore, fell down from their perches. My mom was scared that a snake may be lurking in the long drop and I had to make sure no snakes were about. Then I waited outside while she did ablutions  The farm supervisor’s son killed the biggest puffadder I have ever seen near the house. Longer than a meter. That did it for my mother. Everything had to be checked for snakes. There was a small wood or coal burning Aga stove in the kitchen. Water came via a pipe from a stream above the house. We attached a funnel with mesh wire at the end of the pipe. Secured it with rocks in the stream. The pipe ran downhill for about a 100m to a tank just above the house. A fire under a further drum outside the house provided warm water. We swam in a pool under a waterfall near the Silent Woman (we called her the Paw-paw lady). But why, oh why, did you build a blue pool. It detracts from everything the place is about. The solar heating you installed is fantastic. Thunder storms at night were truly memorable. We smelled the Sulphur following thunder clap after thunder clap. In my mind, the house shook. The sound of violent raindrops on the corrugated zinc roof drowned any attempted conversation. We could not hear each other. Lightning lit up the inside of the house and I saw the big white eyes of my friends fearing that the next lightning strike would take out the house. The thunder claps were followed by echoes running along the mountain faces, to and fro, again and again, like harmonics in music. And just as it was fading, the next thunder clap or two arrived. The closest I have come to it, is listening to the music of Xenakis at full blast. But beautiful! Get rid of the pool and encourage guests to find a mountain pool. I can think of several. And when the sweat cascades down your body in summer, the mountain water is simply delicious. So is drying yourself in the sun, stretched out on a comfortable rock.

    ~o0o~

  • Mary’s DreamLand

    Mary’s DreamLand

    Hi Ma! How’re you doing?

    Fine, thank you. I’m tucked up in bed already, waiting for the sister to bring my pain muti and eyedrops. They put a drop in my left eye and five minutes later another drop. Same eye. Only my left eye.

    It’s 6pm. Early to bed, my Ma in frail care.

    Do you sleep well?

    Like a log. I’m warm and comfortable. And Kosie! I’ve been having the most wonderful dreams lately. Nice, happy dreams. I wake up smiling.

    That’s so nice! Can you remember what they’re about, or are they too racy to repeat in polite company?

    Laughs!!

    No, they’re about the farm. The wonderful farm, the beautiful view, the walks with my Dad. It’s all underwater now, of course.

    The farm Nuwejaarsvlei on the Nuwejaarspruit. Now submerged beneath the waters of Sterkfontein Dam. About ’15 miles’ from Harrismith towards Oliviershoek Pass and ‘on the Witsieshoek road.’

    I was eight years old when we left the farm.

    That was 1936.

    ~~~oo0oo~~~

    muti – medicine;

    Kosie – my nickname; Ma pronounces it the Afrikaans way, Kuwa-see; unlike Annie and her friends who all called me Koosie, rhyming with pussy or wussy; True fact; Accounts for a lot?

    Nuwejaarsvlei – New Year Marsh or wetland

    Nuwejaarspruit – New Year creek or stream

    Sterkfontein – strong fountain

    Oliviershoek – the place of the Oliviers, a surname

    Witsieshoek – the place of the Basotho chief Witsie who lived there from 1839 to 1856.

    The pic shows Mom floating on the water above her old farm in 1990. Its somewhere in the background in this pic:

    Trish eskimo, Mom eskimo, Dad, Sheila semi-eskimo

    ~~~oo0oo~~~

  • Round The Bend

    Round The Bend

    Mandy’s reply on the 21st post reminded me of The Bend – that sacred pilgrimage site we would repair to as part of growing up and learning wisdom and wonder. Also drinking, puking and dancing. Especially drinking. It was like Mecca.

    We searched the whole of Joburg all term long for girls and women and couldn’t find any, but on The Bend there was always a goodly gang of inebriated bright young future leaders and fine examples to our youth, dancing, hosing themselves and matching us drink-for-drink.

    Some of the drinking was very formal, with strict protocol, enforced by some kop-toe okes who had already been to the weermag and wanted to show us lightweight long-hairs what DUSSIPLIN was all about. Louis was very disciplined under General Field Marshall Reitz as was I under Brigadier Field Marshall Stanley-Clarke:

    Late at night important stuff would happen. This time it was inventory control. It became vitally urgent that we help Kai clean out old Dr Reitz’s expired medicines. Mainly by swallowing them. The muscle relaxants caused great hilarity as we pondered what effect they might have on our sphincters. Yussis you’d think with a resident pharmacist we’d be told the possible side-effects, but all we were told – or all we listened to – was “Fire it, Mole!” and down they went, chased by alcohol to enhance the effects. Highly irre-me-sponsible, but all done for research purposes.

    The Bend Old Drugs

    • Dr Prof Stephen Charles dispenses –

    The research was inconclusive. We fell asleep before any fireworks happened.

    In those days we all shared one cellphone, which you didn’t have to carry in your pocket. It was already there when you got there, nailed to the wall so it couldn’t get lost and so everyone could overhear what you were saying. There it is:

    Bloody bottle shrunk!

    • I forget what this was, but it was important and Stephen Charles was giving it his rapt attention –

    Sometimes farming interfered with the serious part of the weekend and then we would be of great help to Kai. We’re taking his mielies to market here. Don’t know what he would have done without us. Airbags and seatbelts were not highly essential in those daze, as we were usually well internally fortified, and as our driver had his foot flat we knew we’d get there quickly. So it was alright.

    Taking mielies to the koperasie silo. No airbags.

    • Taking mielies to the koperasie silo. No airbags –

    Back: Me; Kevin Stanley-Clarke (now a Kiwi); Glen Barker (now an Oz). Front: Pierre du Plessis; Steve Reed (a Kiwi in Oz); Lettuce Wood-Marshall (a Chinese or an Oz?); Dave Simpson;

    glossary:

    kop-toe okes – taking themselves seriously; which made them more hilarious

    weermag – ‘again might’, as in ‘we might have to go there again’; involuntarily

    mielies – maize, corn; sometimes schlongs

    schlong – your mielie

    koperasie – co-operative: socialist gathering of capitalist farmers

    In JHB, a mate swears he heard me giving directions to the farm. I’m sure he’s mistaken, but Trevor John says: Swannie, I will never forget your directions to a farm in Harrysmith – 2 quarts of beer to the right turnoff; one pint to the next turnoff; and a small shot for the next left to the gate .

  • 21st on Kenroy

    21st on Kenroy

    Sheila saw to it I had a party! As so often, Sheila saved the day. Back in 1976 before there were rules and the rinderpest was still contagious.

    Des Glutz threw open his palatial bachelor home, Kenroy, on the banks of the mighty Vulgar River to an invasion of students from Johannesburg and Pietermaritzburg. That’s because as a lonely horny bachelor Free State farmer he had his eye on some of those student teachers from Teachers Training College in PMB!

    “Kindness of his heart” you thought? Ha! You know nothing about horny bachelor Free State farmers! Anyway, he owed me for managing his farm brilliantly when he went to Zimbabwe. Probly doubled his profit that year.

    Sheila invited everybody – and everybody arrived!

    Eskom had not yet bedeviled Kenroy, so paraffin lamps, gaslamps and candles gave light. So you didnt flick a light switch, hoping it would work, no. You lit a lamp knowing it would work cos Gilbert will have reliably topped up the paraffin. Des might have done that, you thought!? Ha! You know nothing about lonely horny freestate farmers with butlers. Music pomped out from car batteries. There was singing and much laughter. Except when Noreen, Jo and Ski danced their Broadway routine The Gaslamp Revue with Redge Jelliman holding the silver tray footlight staring in open-mouthed wonder at their skill. And of course, their legsnboobs – another lonely horny bachelor Free State farmer, y’know. Awe-struck silence reigned. For minutes.

    21st Kenroy_party_22
    – Noreen and Jo in the Gaslamp Revue, using available props –
    – Reg dreaming bachelor harem dreams – Noreen Mandy Jill Liz –

    There was also Liz and Mops and Jenny, Georgie, Mandy, Gill and Jill; Hell, we bachelors were in awe at almost being outnumbered – a rare event. We were so excited we got pissed and fell down. Timothy Paget Venning got so excited he walked all the way round the house smashing Des’ window panes to let in the night.

    Poor ole Gilbert, Des’ personal butler, valet and chef – seen here in purple – and his men bore the brunt of the extra work!

    He cooked and cooked, including a big leg of lamb which didn’t make the main table, getting scoffed on the quiet by ravenous would-be teachers under the kitchen table. Pity the poor kids who would have to grow up being taught all the wrong things by this lot in Natal in the eighties.

    21st Kenroy_party_10
    – Sir Reginald dreaming he has died and gone to heaven – with Noreen, Mops, Mandy, Jill and Liz –

    These would-be teachers and pillars of society were wild n topless:

    Koos' 21st.jpg_cr
    – if the bachelors had been there, we’d have politely averted our eyes. Right!! –

    Tabbo wore his tie so he could make a speech into his beer can microphone:

    Koos' 21st Tabs Koos

    Funny how Glutz doesn’t feature in any pics! Where was he? We know he wasn’t in his bedroom cos the TC girls raided it and were in awe at the impressive collection of bedroom toys and exotic rubber and latex items in his bedside drawer. No stopping those TC girls!

    Ah! Here’s Glutz – Sheila and Liz presenting Des a thank-you gift for hooligan-hosting:

    The morning after dawned bright. Too bright for some . . .

    21st Kenroy_sunrise

    A mudfight! said some bright spark – Sheila, no doubt – so Des arranged transport to the mighty Vulgar river.

    21st Kenroy_Wilger river_2
    – fasten seatbelts while I check the airbags, says Farmer Glutz, Kenroy’s Safety Orifice – Occifer – Officer – Simpson scratches his head –

    After the weekend I roared back to Jo’burg in my brand-new 1965 two-shades-of-grey-and-grey Opel Rekord Concorde deluxe sedan, four-door, grey bench-seated, 1700cc straight-four, three-on-the column, chick-magnet automobile. My first car! Watch out Doornfontein!

    koos-opel-1976
    – 21st birthday present! A 1965 Opel Concorde DeLuxe 1700 in sophisticated tones of grey and grey. Note my reflection in the gleaming bonnet! –

    Thanks Mom & Dad! And thanks for the party, Sheils and Des! Before we left, Mom tickled the ivories while the TC gang belted out some songs:

    ~~oo0oo~~

    The old man organised the numberplate OHS 5678 for me. The man at the Harrismith licencing office said “Oom, are you sure you want an easy-to-remember number for your son? Don’t you want one that’s hard to remember?”

    ~~oo0oo~~

  • Dog Knot

    Dog Knot

    Dogs accomplish mating by a unique physical way and process. Unlike most other mammals, the dog’s penis has a large bulbous enlargement at the base. When the dog’s penis enters the vagina of the bitch, it must go through a muscular ring or constriction of the external opening of the vagina. The moment the penis is through, the pressure of the tube on the reflex nerve center causes a violent thrust and the dog clings to the bitch with all his strength. The swelling of the bulb prevents the dog from withdrawing his penis.

    Dogs remain hung in this manner for on average twenty minutes. The male turns around and faces the opposite direction from the bitch. While the two are hung in this manner, they may get their nails into the dirt and pull with far more than their own weights, stretching the penis amazingly. Do not be alarmed when they pull this way; neither dog is being hurt. As the valve relaxes, the blood leaves the penis, usually from the bulb part first, and allows the enlarged penis to slip out.

    dog-copulation

    They’re usually bound together for about twenty minutes. Quite long. In fact, in animal kingdom terms I think you could almost call it . . ‘True Love.’ Or ‘commitment.’

    I didn’t know this when I first saw it on the Fyvie’s Gailian farm outside Harrismith in the Free State. Tabs and I were farming with his Dad Hector, who was driving the pickup. We rounded a bend and there they were. I watched in fascination. It did seem a bit like, after the passion, they had turned their backs on each other, avoiding eye contact, and were like:

    I can’t believe this; He doesn’t write, he doesn’t call; and him: Will she still respect me in the morning . . . ?

    We watched a few seconds and then Uncle Hec in his inimitable quiet, deadpan way, said: “Locked in Holy Matrimony.”

    ~~oo0oo~~

    Another famous dog knot featured our first dog’s famous father: Stan the Man

    ~~oo0oo~~

  • Safe as a Guinea

    Safe as a Guinea

    On Tabbo’s Warden farm ‘Rust.’ Mine host Tabbo is second from right, yet another ale in hand.

    old-harrismith-warden
    – Tony Porrell, Koos Swanepoel, Nev Shave, Charlie Deane, Dirk Odendaal, Ian Fyvie, Rob Spilsbury – Nick Leslie, Doug Wright, John Venning, Mike Curnow, Tabs Fyvie and Guy Kirk –
    – front: Gillon Thake – son of Doug Wright’s sister, Yomi Thake –

    None of those guineas were killed by me (second from left) with my old man’s cheap Russian Baikal shotgun, R139 from Musgraves in Bloem, even though the barrel was smoking. A marksman I am not! I was ‘Rust’-y. The fowls of the air are safe when I’m aiming at them.

    Kai Reitz once tried to cure my handicap of not being able to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. On his farm, The Bend on the Tugela river outside Bergville, he gently lobbed up big sandclods in a ploughed field and I filled the air surrounding them with birdshot. Then they plonked to earth. Thud! Unharmed.

    It was for naught – he had to give up.

    With the last two shells Kai took the shotgun. I hurled two empty shell cases as hard as I could. Blap! Blap! he hit both of them. Bang went the gun and bang went my chance of using faulty Russian alignment as an excuse.

    Bloody guineas better watch out, I’ll bring my mate Kai next time!

    ~~~~~ooo000ooo~~~~~

    As always, Sheila has the details:

    This was taken on 1 September 1974, at a shoot at the Fyvies’ farm ‘Rust’ near Warden. According to my 1974 diary, we had had a wonderful party at Nick & Anne Leslie’s farm ‘Heritage’ the night before – “Had delicious supper. Danced. Sat & chatted” most of us spent the night there, then moved over to Rust the next day, where the guys “shot about 60 fowls.”

    ~~oo0oo~~

  • Mary Bland Grew Up On A Farm

    Mary Bland Grew Up On A Farm

    This was taken on my grandparents’ Frank and Annie Bland’s farm, Nuwejaarsvlei in the Harrismith district, eighteen miles out on the road to Witsieshoek. The farm is now under Sterkfontein Dam.

    The solid sandstone stables (‘five loose boxes’) were more stable (!) than the house, which was a long thin prefabricated structure bought from the British army on Kings Hill when they finally left town in 1913, eleven years after the end of the Boer War. Grandpa Frank bred and raced race horses. For a while . . . Mary’s uncle Stuart Bain also trained racehorses.

    Frank had the prefab carted out to the farm, then cut off a portion of the long house so they only lived in four rooms: A lounge, a kitchen and two bedrooms. They bathed in a zinc bath in the kitchen while Frank showered with cold water in a reed enclosure outside. In all seasons. In the Eastern Freestate. At five thousand feet above sea level. Near the Drakensberg escarpment Brrr!

    Bath water was heated in paraffin tins on the coal stove, then poured into tge xinc bath. Lighting was by lamplight. The toilet was a long-drop outside, positioned under trees along a path of white-washed stones leading from the kitchen door. Past Frank’s shower.

    Here’s older sis Pat pushing Mother Mary in their dolls pram in the farmyard. See the stable sandstone stables in the background.

    pat-mary-nuwejaarsvlei

    Frank started to build a big stone house from sandstone quarried on the farm. Built on a slope, it was level with the ground at the back, but ended in a high drop in front, which never did get the grand steps that were to lead up to the big veranda. The walls went up and the kids would roam around the big house, four bedrooms, big rooms, big kitchen but Mom says, “No bathroom.” Frank believed in an outside bathroom.

    The roof never went on. The builder wanted many sheep (Mom thinks 200!) to do the roof and Frank balked at that / couldn’t afford it.

    Other buildings on the farm were a workshop, Frank’s office and a garage for his yellow ‘Erskine’ tourer. Mom remembers: “It had open sides; when it rained you stopped, hopped out and quickly put up the side flaps.”

    Erskine_Touring_1927
    – an Erskine Tourer –

    Later Frank bought a 1936 Chev Standard – perhaps like this one, but ‘light brown’:

    1936 Chev Standard

    Mom Mary remembers cousin Janet leaving the door open after she and older sister Pat had jumped out just before Frank drove into the garage. The door, she says, was “damaged forever.”

    The Nuwejaarspruit runs from Nuwejaarsvlei down to the Wilge river downstream of Harrismith and then into the Vaal Dam. Sterkfontein dam was built on the spruit and drowned the farm under Tugela river water pumped up from KwaZulu Natal. You would now have to scuba dive in the clear water to see the farmhouse. This picture is taken from roughly above the farm looking back towards Harrismith’s long Platberg mountain with Baker’s Kop on the left:

    sterkfontein-dam

    They called the hills on the farm ‘Sugar Loaf’ and ‘Horseshoe’. Mom loved her walks with her Dad Frank and fondly remembers them ninety (gasp!) years later. Her favourite part: He would day, “Take my hand… “

    Mom says she and friends would argue, ‘whose Dad is best?’ One friend was Dossie Farquhar, who ‘came back to Harrismith from Benoni.’

    I wish we had more pictures of the farm. Here are the only ones I have found so far of areas near the farm before it was flooded:

    Annie also always drove. Frank said she always drove too fast. Years later the younger crowd John Taylor and Mike Malcolm-Smith said she always drove too slow, and that she should speed up – “to the speed limit”!!

    Annie in old car
    Annie & dog in a _____

    Then the farming ended. The Blands moved into town – the metropolis of Harrismith – ca.1939 to start a petrol station and garage, having lost the farms. In September 1943 Frank had a colosistectomy for gallstones’ performed by his friend and GP Dr Frank Reitz. Mom went to visit him in hospital on her fifteenth birthday, 18 September. He died two months later, aged fifty. The next year, when Annie needed an op, she sent Mary off by train with Granny Bland to Durban to stay with Mrs Jim Caskie – ‘a huge fat lady’ – in the Echoes Hotel.

    Durban Echoes Hotel Mom Granny Bland

    While in Durban they saw a 1943 Irving Berlin movie “This Is The Army.”

    Luckily Annie came through the ordeal intact. She would live for many a year yet. About forty nine of them.

    ~~oo0oo~~

    Nearby farm neighbours on Kindrochart were the Shannons, George and Belle, with son Jack, a few years older than Pat and Mary. The Shannons also bred racehorses and achieved forever fame when they won the Gold Cup with their horse Rinmaher.

    When Jack had outgrown his Shetland Pony named ____, his parents suggested to him that he give it to the Bland girls on Nuwejaarsvlei. He looked dubious but his parents encouraged him.

    “Will you do that?” they prodded him.

    “Yes, but not with pleasure” said Jack.

    Recently Sheila found a pic of Jack – probably on that very pony!

    1920 Jack Shannon & Peter Bell
    Jack and Peter Bell

    Peter Bell (or Hastings-Bell) became a pilot in the Rhodesian airforce and tragically went missing in action in WW2.

    ~~oo0oo~~

    1930 Bland group at NJV
    Jessie & Annie sitting with Janet & Mary between them – (then two unnamed guests) – Frank lying on the lawn with Pat

    ~~oo0oo~~

    Decades later, here’s Mary in 1990 cruising above Nuwejaarsvlei in a boat the ole man built, with her old family home somewhere underwater below her:

    1990 April Sterkfontein 50003

    ~~oo0oo~~

    More decades later and I phoned Mary (now aged 92). She said she’d had a lovely night’s sleep and . . . see here.

    The Erskine was an American Automobile built by The Studebaker Corp. in South Bend, Indiana from 1926 to 1930.

  • My Life as a Shepherd

    My Life as a Shepherd

    I’ve been farming all day so I’m an old hand already. We have to go count the sheep now, and when Hector Fyvie says “You know the difference between a ram and a ewe, right?” I almost scoff, but I’m polite. I say “Sure, Uncle Hec”.
    So hundreds of sheep are herded past us in an orderly fashion, not too fast, not too slow. Obviously I have been given the easier job – counting the rams – as there are only a few sheep with horns compared to the many, many ewes.
    “How many did you get?” asks Hec, deadpan. “Seventy nine”, I say confidently. I know my arithmetics. “Oh”, says Hec, looking a bit worried, “There shouldn’t be that many.” Tabs is having a much harder time concealing his mirth and I realise I’ve been had!!

    You’re meant to look between their legs! Not on their heads.

    – these are not ewes –
    – sheep ram – don’t only check his head –

    Oh, the shame! Exposed as a townie-poephol! Got to hand it to Uncle Hec, the master of quiet, understated humour. I still blush when I think of it, I’ll never be able to fall asleep counting sheep again. But of course Uncle Hec was very gentle on me and gave me a whisky that evening, as always. Just not as stiff a tot as the one he poured for Aunt Stell.

    ~~oo0oo~~

  • My Years as a Farm Manager

    My Years as a Farm Manager

    I was a farm manager for a week. So OK, the heading is clickbait. I had the keys to the bakkie and no clue on how to run a dairy.

    I had agreed over a few dozen beers to ‘manage’ Des Glutz’s Kenroy while he buzzed off to Mana Pools in Zimbabwe with Tabs Fyvie to drink more beer. I would be given detailed instructions and a crash course in advanced agriculture, business management and animal husbandry. Soon. Said Des.

    What actually happened was a car screeched to a halt outside the door to the Platberg Bottle Store in Warden Street where I was working in my holidays for Mom and Dad, and some keys were flung at me as the car taking Des and Tabs to Jan Smuts airport roared off. They were late and afraid they’d miss the departure of their flight from Joburg to Harare.

    Were my detailed instructions written instructions? No, hastily shouted instructions as follows: ‘You’ll be fine! The bakkie’s parked in Retief Street.’ Said Des. And there ended the course in advanced agriculture, business management and animal husbandry.

    O-kay! Let’s see: What did I get wrong? I ran out of feed for the cows, then bought the wrong feed at the mill and it was made clear to me I’d have to go back and change it; I had the farmhands looking at me in amusement once they realised just how little I knew; I had Des’ horse King realise he had a novice on his back when I took him for a daily morning ride; And I had a cow get stuck in labour with a breech calf. I had to phone Kai to come up from Bergville to sort that one out, which he kindly and ably did.

    What did I get right? Well, I ate breakfast every morning. Quite well. Gilbert presented a plate with one egg, one rasher of bacon and one slice of toast, arranged identically on the plate each morning at 6am sharp. That I was good at. And I rode King for half an hour or so each morning. I enjoyed that. He was presented to me, saddled and placidly smirking, at the front door of Chez Desmond.

    Decades later my nephew Robbie told me dairy farming was all about managing your pastures. Hell, don’t tell Des, but I didn’t given his grass a single glance all week.

    Later I used this experience to get another important job.

    ~~oo0oo~~

    The picture is Kenroy but there were no ladies on the gate when I was farming.

  • A trumpet? Or were we just trumped?

    A trumpet? Or were we just trumped?

    We would meet on The Bend, Kai’s paradise on the Tugela outside Bergville. The guys from Doories in Johannesburg studying to be optometrists and engineers at the Wits Tech and the gals from NTC in Pietermaritzburg, studying to be teachers of the future fine upstanding youth of SA. We would meet specifically to practice setting a good example.

    We’d sing and dance, play loud music, down many beers, fall in love, salute General Armstrong the whisky bottle, dance, laugh, swim in the river, jump off the dam wall, have a ball, dance, laugh, recover and start all over again. In hunting season some of us might shoot a few guineafowl.

    The Bend Gen Armstrong

    Sundays we’d load up and go back to school like responsible students. Speronsible, as Lloyd Zunckel would say.

    On this occasion Lettuce Leaf loaded up the off-yellow Clittering Goach to head SE back to PMB and Spatch loaded up the beige Apache and Scratchmo loaded the green VeeDub to head NW back to Joeys. We decided to help Lettuce pack out of the kindness of our hearts, slipping a dead guineafowl in amongst the girls’ suitcases. Ha ha! That’ll give them a surprise when they get back!

    Clittering Goach & Guinea

    Here Scratchmo chunes the Clittering Goach’s under-bonnet-ular bits, pretending he knows what’s going on to impress Lettuce:

    The Bend Spatch Lettuce

    Back in Johannesburg later that Sunday night, we couldn’t wait to phone them from the nearest ‘tickey box’ or public phone.

    How was your trip? Fine.

    How were your suitcases? Fine.

    How was Lettuce’s boot? Fine.

    Oh! Um, was there anything unusual in the boot? No. Why?

    DAMN! We suspected Scratchmo Hood Simpson, and interrogated him accusingly: Are you so in love that you removed the fowl to spare the girls the smell? No, it wasn’t him. But, but . . someone must have removed it. Damn!

    Oh, well, it was a great idea for a prank! Pity it failed . . . .

    A week later we got a parcel slip:

    A parcel from PMB awaits your collection at the General Post Office in Jeppe Street.

    It was big and quite heavy and read: Contents: Musical Instrument.

    Interesting.

    Unwrapping layer after layer of paper and one plastic bag after another we unveiled: THAT GUINEAFOWL! The girls had suckered us! We had been (in 21st century-language) SERVED!

    Hummed? It honked! It ponged! – that was obviously their “musical instrument” clue! Heave! Vomit! Yuk!

    So what to do with it? Holding it at arms length we carried it out. It was 5pm rush hour. Traffic backed up under the Harrow Road flyover. Innocent hard-working people on their way home. A little plumber’s bakkie looked easy, so as the light turned green we deposited the offending deceased foul fowl discreetly on his loadbed. He’d have an interesting mystery when he got home!

    We then made our way to the nearest tickey box. We had a concession phone call to make to PMB.

    Girls 1 – Guys 0

    =========================

    Harrow Rd Flyover & Res_2.jpg
    Where the lucky plumber’s bakkie got its guineafowl

    =======ooo000ooo=======

    bakkie – pickup truck;